To all of you out there.

I'm getting pageviews. Even the voices are speechless for once. Could just be the new meds I'm on.

So, whoever's out there, leave a comment. For curiosity's sake.

14 days.

14 days. Two weeks.
Two weeks to prepare for the death of my creator.
I haven't posted on here in a while, but I suppose I should start again, it helped to keep me sane before. A little anyway, I did end up in the mental hospital anyway, didn't I? Heh.
Not sure what will happen when he dies. I do know there's another number. Five. Then I'm getting this goddamned demon out of me. She claims she's so much more than she really is.. I won't get cocky though. Don't get arrogant now. No, no..
I wonder really if this will even be seen. Doesn't matter. Perhaps I'll bring attention back to it. Hmn.


...I'd be lying if I said I can handle what's going to happen.

Done.

Still alive. Still alive right now.
I'm finished though. Finish.. Finished the series. Voices suggest. Simone laughs in the back of my head. Watches
Never get better than that
Never even get that far.
Why would I? How would I?

Ironic. Ironic name for a funny farm. Happy home. Woodburne. Though you'd only get it if you knew our reference.
Maybe that's not where I'd go though? Who knows. Somewhere.
Somewhere would be a waste of money. Waste of their time.
They don't care though.
Yes they do. deep down they think that. It's a waste.
Juvenile. Bullshit problems. Not anything. Could never get to that feeling. nope. never. How do I reach it? That feeling is weird.
Waste.
Useless. useless.
Stop.
Waste of fucking time. of money. Leeching their money. You're either perfectly fine or dead.
Stop..
Dead already. You're dead. die. die. die
STOP
DIE
DIE

Plan. want a plan. plan. plan..
Ebb. Ebb. You won't bleed enough. not fast enough.
Thin the blood. Ibuprofen. Use that.
Ebb faster. won't stop. Not as fast. But what if you fail again?
Then they'll find it. find me.
Where do you cut? Your thighs are covered.
More on thighs. cross the others.
How much ibuprofen?
Seven ought to do it.
How long afterwards do you wait?
Fifteen minutes.
How much do you cut?
Three that drip. If they stop, three more. Work my way down. in.

Do you want to do it tonight?
Dunno.
Get a haircut first.
shh. shh.. shh..
I wonder.
You wonder?
If it would kill you.
Who?
St John.
Dunno. Probably cause psychosis though. definitely.
How many do you take?
Four.
When?
Now.

Let's go on a trip.

Ring..

Ringing..
Blade down.. Buzzing..
Ear to the door.. Can still hear him?.. Yup..
Reason?.. Definitely..
Drag it.. Corner down.. Presses through the flesh
His voice sounds the same as.. His
No blood.. Drag it more
Selfish
Not enough, stroke it slow
Will do anything
Press it deeper
Harder
Never heard
Going downstairs now
There he is
Cringe some at the sound of his yells
Blood beaded, dripping
Maybe I should just leave
Arm bared
Fuck you too then.

Those words ring still
Inside
Fuel
To my fire

Dying Star..

Blank.. Empty..
Hollow..
Felt so strange, the past few weeks.. Interpretations.. Letting whatever, whomever draw, and speak, and write through me..
Letting them through me..
What am I doing.. Who am I?..
Can't do anything.. can't.. nothing..
Can't continue..
Won't stop.. won't.. they won't.. shut up..
I had to make noise to stop it.. to stop him..
Maybe not even stop him.. just make it so I can't hear..
CAN'T BREATHE
Can't hear..
Shh..
HELP.. HELP.. I CAN'T.. STOP.. PLEASE STOP..
Stop..
stop..
shh..

Dying star..
Crying crimson..
Rip.. rip..
Throb.. throb..drip.. ebb.. ebb..
Slow.. slower..
All so slow..
Dying..
Empty..
Dying.. you're dying.. Who?..
Said before.. he said before he was dying..
But no.. that's not it..
Not him..

..But now I'm there.. How?.. how am i there already?..
I'm dying..
I'm the dying star..
I'm slipping..slid so far..

...You either will be seeing a lot more of the others, or tomorrow I'm going to be going to the school psychologist.
I'm suicidal.
They're going to be told. If I'm there to do it.

.. I love you, Vince

Here

Not here. Where are you then? I dunno. Can you go? I dunno. Scared to say no. Scared.
But I'm so far away. Why? Don't hurt me still. It'll be used against me
Somehow

Already my eyes are bleeding black
Hurts
Feels so empty.
Too hot. Hurts. Burns.
Need to sleep. Sleep. Sleep..
There's a fan on your bed.
Ahahah..
Sleep..

Let it out.

I told them today. Told mum a little more of what happened with him. And snapped a little too.
Didn't quite get my point across. My father is an idiot. Only response I got from him was that I'm crazy. Again. He's been saying that more and more lately. Way to state the obvious, imbecile.
What bugs me more is the fact that he fucking trapped me again. I'm definitely bringing that up.
He needs to learn.

That's what you'll get

That's what you'll get she says
If you want to be committed
To an institution
Do you want it? To rot? You want to rot? You'll get it
That's what you'll get
Push me further
Do it
I fucking dare you.
More melatonin, want the sleep
Want sleep
So far from it
Rot
Rot..

Arms sting
Thighs sting
I'll go tomorrow
Don't expect me to smile
Or work
Or really be there.
Can't do it.
Can't do this.

Have you
Have you

Mock fucking concern in your voice mother
Yours was almost genuine
But fathers
Liar
Liar

They scream it
LIAR

This isn't fair she says
Not fair to do this now
I'm not keeping you here they say, I say
Here, I'll make it easy for you
Go away. Fucking go away. Leave me alone.


They asked me if I'm on drugs.
I don't need drugs to get like this.
Shows how much they know.

My head.
My head..

Go on thinking its all about the computer though.
What comes next?

Just not right.

Mirror, Mirror
why do you torture me so?
Figure and eyes
Each little hair upon the flesh.
Eyebrows and nose
Eyelids and their colors
Lashes and their length.

Who are you,
Mirror being?
Why do you remind me so
Of the me I used to be

Need something different
Something not so like
The one he shoved
The neck he wrapped his fingers around
Every bit of flesh he touched
Wants to change.

Can't stand being the same.
Can't be. Am not.
Hair needs shorter
Hair needs colors.
Never again will you remind me


Who are you,
Mirror being?
Why do you remind me so
Of the me I used to be

Mirror, Mirror,
Why do you torture me so?
Remind me
Me reminds me
Reminds me of him
Who are you?

Who am I?
Who is this standing so alike to me?
This beautiful being
This being I envy
What is inside of her?

Reflection
This is me
But no, it's you.
This me has to look
Just like you.


Who are you,
Mirror being?
Why do you remind me so
Of the me I used to be

Can't be anything like
The me I used to be
Anything but.

Because everything inside
Changes
Everything outside must change,
Or it doesn't look right
Never looks right.


Who are you,
Mirror being?
Why do you remind me so
Of the me I used to be...

Eyes..

Hmm.. Could swear I know what it's called.. I'll have to look it up again when I get home..
Hnn.. Won't stop whining.. The eyes, the eyes.. Shaking.. Breaths ragged.. But no.. I'm calm.. So calm..
The eyes.. The eyes, they're cold.. They're.. Dead
No.. They're mine. They're mine..
They're playing dead.. I'm okay..
We're okay..
Killed him. You're talented, small one. Killed him without touching him. I could learn a thing or two from you.
You always manage to kill the wrong one though..

I know..
Dont want HIM to die.. Why did he remind me..?
Maybe he was like that anyway..
Safe now anyway.. Be goddamned selfish for once..
Okay..

It's okay.. I have you..
Our little secret.. <3~

The Goal...What?

What?.. What is the goal?.. Keeps popping up.. What are they talking about?.. What is my goal?..
Need a list.. List will make it easier.. I suppose.. List towards the goal I don't know..

Big things.. I suppose I do need to finish school.. That's always a big thing.. But college.. What for college?.. Psychology.. And art.. Yeah.. But what is that goal?.. What is that moving towards..? Wha..

Don't like coming at each new day blind.. Want to know what I'm doing.. can't.. Unpredictable.. Don't like it.. mm.. Maybe that's why I don't like school as much..
Want to know..
Maybe that's why psychology..? And art feels good.. Allows me, and them to express.. To get it out.. To show it..

But what's the goal..? Why do I live?.. Knowledge..? Is that why?.. Seems like..
Suppose it's fates job to get me to do, nudge whatever in some direction..
Yet it seems so.. empty.. Life is so empty right now..
So unreal.. It's becoming unreal again..mm.. Don't like it..
Bleh..Tired..
Stuff to do today though.. ..Sigh;;

Beat.. Beat..

Pulse.. Pulse.. Pulsing beneath the flesh.. Feel like I'm going to start shaking.. Just want sleep though.. My head.. Nmh.. Weird..
Feels weird.. Deep breaths.. Deep.. Alright.. I'm okay.. Bleh.. Too weak to be annoyed by this.. Hate her voice.. But it's okay.. Just listen to the music..

Heh.. Ding.. Maybe that's why bad wolf always made sense to me?.. Felt familiar..

Safe..

Safety is your arms. The folds in your mind enveloping mine. So much calmer now.. I have you, you have me.. I can do anything now. Can push through whatever is thrown at me..
You make this all worth it. It's all okay, now. You make it all safe.
If I'm taken away then i'll be back. I'll make sure.. You're worth it. So worth it.. Everything is working on time.. I trust it will continue to do so..
We'll get through this. Them. I will hold you.
And if I'm too weak, we'll fall together.
So long as I have you...

What..?

What did they use? It's bothering me now.
Tweezers are hidden.
Plus, it's way too thin to have been the tweezers.. It was done in one precise swoop.
A pen? Maybe.. No; there's no ink.. Never was a sign of ink in em..

..They're thin. Razor thin.
Could it have been..? No, I don't have any razors I can take the razors out of.. And it's just one line for each, not three/four..

Then what..?

They're red.. Seems to be a scab.. looks really weird.. They seem to be healing, however much they throb..
It'll be okay..
Think I'm going to see the school psychologist tomorrow..

Perfect.

Dark hair and green eyes.
Sweet and innocent yet so dark, so aware. All that is within you..
Beyond that which others could possibly reach.. That is obvious..
Alike. So very alike, yet mostly we don't even realize..
You're anxious like me. You hear them like me.
And you care for me.. How lucky I am, truly, to have a being such as you caring for me.. It's strange, calling someone so alike to myself perfect, honestly.
But in my eyes.. You are.

Your flaws make you perfect. Emotional, physical.. I love the fact we can understand each other.. We know what's happening.. We understand each other because somehow it has, or will happen to us..
Remembering that day was one of the most terrifying things.
Remembering how I was hopeless to stop it.
I'll be there, this time, if it's to happen.
I won't let it happen.
I love you too much..

You don't expect much from me.. You've waited so long.. You care for me, not even just what you could get from me..
You're selfless..
I almost am afraid that I'll hurt you, cause you're so.. Delicate..
We're both so unstable.. It seems that if you mix two unstable thing you might get something worse..
But I think we might be good for each other..

Drip.

Drip. Ooze. Throb. Throb, leak.

Line. Cross. Swell. Higher. No, maybe not. Nah, it's okay.
Slide. Slide. Gentle.
Stings.

It's okay now.

The Current "Adventure".

This is Lacie.
Alex has been busy. Busy keeping Simone away. Simone is the one that seeks blood. The blood which satiated so many other's lusts before, her own, will not satisfy him.
We got a book the other day about women with DID. All of em' past 40. It's interesting, hearing of their stories.. But something useful we came across today in the book, was a little bit about one of the women dealing with a homicidal "part", or "other"/"alter".

..He's so cold. Want him. Need to reach him. Can't do this.. not much longer..
You have to continue.. And you know you couldn't handle control of the body right now.
No.. need him..
I'm sorry..I'm sorry.

If she could do it, we can.

February 13, 2012.

Today's the day. Sweet relief. You have him back. You will. You're safe. Things will work out.
But what if it doesn't? Nothing changes?
I'm not expecting a miracle, but things will get a little better, at least..
Should I wait for him or just text first?
Hmn..

Just do it.

February 12, 2012.

Somewhere beyond happiness and sadness, I need to calculate, what creates my own madness.
And I'm addicted to your punishment, and you're the master, and I am waiting for disaster.

Splitting.
Splitting.
Breaking.
Wrote a poem the other day. Might post it at some point.
.. So, I managed to split again. No, I sure as hell wasn't trying to.
Seems not to be too bad though.
Been taking Melatonin to try and help with my sleep. Last night I had an episode of sorts, so it may've just been that, but I had a really weird reaction to it. It feels weird in general, I already took mine tonight.
It does make it easier to sleep, heh. And I can remember some of my dreams very clearly. We'll see if I should keep taking it tomorrow though. If I can't wake up, then no, I don't keep taking it. xD.
Tomorrow's the day.
Two countdowns and one is so close. So very close.
I look forwards to it..
The other counter is down to 16 days.

February 11, 2012.

Where are you? What's happening? Why can't I reach you? hello?
...Hello?
Mhh, that's blood? No it's not, can't be.
Yeah it is. Tastes so good. But how? Why does it bead?
Who cares? Where are you? Help you. Help me. Find you, find me.
I'm somewhere. Nowhere. You're someone. Noone. Me.
Suckle the substance.
She lied. So many lies. Stupid teacher. You really must be isolated out in your little trailer.
Here, let me hold you. Oh yeah, I like you. No, I hate you. My knife in your back. Your eyes are wide and black. You're a shark in pain, writhing, bleeding. Slice your fins, squirming, alive. Begging. Pleading. Asking me why, Asking god why. Silly bitch.
Die. Suffer. Squirm beneath my thumb. You know that's where you are, bug? Parasite. You know that's where you are. That's why you squirm and claw and do as much damage to the tiny bit of me you can reach.
Small, scared child. All you are. You act so full of yourself yet you're still so scared. You don't even know what you're scared of. Blind yourself further.
As if you had any capability in the first place.
That won't save you, selfish fuck.
Nothing will.
I may not be the one to do it but someday you'll get yours you snotty little bitch. All of your kind will.
I'll laugh as it falls away.

Drown.

February 10, 2012.

Afraid to be alone with myself.. Or maybe just alone with.. Them?
Yet I'm more comfortable here in quiet isolation.. Calm heartbeat and little to no headache. Safe. I suppose other humans may scare me more...

February 9, 2012.

.. Music does help.. Drowns them out..
No ma, my music isn't too loud..
No ma, my ear isn't getting better.
No ma, it won't make my ear worse.
No ma, I'm not trying to get away from you.
Maybe a little.
But only when you make them worse.
My head pounds with their voices.
Yours would only mix with them,
Encourage them.

Last night mum needled me. I lay for half an hour alone, blind.. With nothing but my music. I thought. I relaxed though. Everything felt so unreal though. I returned to the real word a bit..
Am I really so vain?..
Not your fault.
But it's so selfish..
He's not even terribly intelligent.
Could be. Intelligent beings put on masks.
Could be that he has no mask.
There's something.. More though. I saw some of it.
Meh.
20 days ..

February 8, 2012.

..Wonder how he's doing. There's no update.
Could always ask, idiot.
..Feh, shut up. I'm trying to go with it. Doing okay so far..

Social worker from CPS came today to talk to parents, and me some.. Hah.. Parents decided to go back on their word.. Had given the laptop back so long as I put it on the dresser at night..
She won't fucking go away.
Kill it. Smash its head into the wall. Grab the bedpost and beat it. Beat her.
..No. No. I can't. I won't. Shut up. She's my mum..
She deserves it anyway.
.. I can't disagree there.
Anyway.. That kind of bugs me.Really bugs me. But, I'll stay sane. It's the only way.
Mnh.. In twenty days, my parents will be going to someone to tell them about me. After that I will see said person, whom is a psychologist, and will go through three hours of testing.
Anxiety, aspergers, and Depression.
I have decided to tell the complete truth. This'll be interesting.
Social worker worded it as, "If you thought I asked a lot of questions in the 45 minutes we talked, oh boy.." Eheh..
...Strange part is, I'm kind of looking forwards to it.
She mentioned that questions may be asked that I won't be comfortable with answering and I should just be honest.
...She also mentioned that within the first ten minutes of talking to me the first time, she realized I am a very anxious person.
Hah..

February 7, 2012. Evening.

Slid this morning. Felt great for a while after we talked, heh..
Silent agreement.. Mm..

..Perhaps we'll make it.
Took the sanity score test again.. My score increased by 3. 167 to 170.. Within a month.
Hah..

..Right side of my ribs are cut up. Left side will probably scar. They're faded pretty good though.
Tomorrow social worker comes to our house. Talks to my parents.
..Bleh.. Dunno what's gonna happen.. They're gonna be upset with me and I'm gonna hide again prolly..

7th, two.

Razor wire through my fucking temples.. Not again.. Grinding bone..

February 7, 2012.

.. Nothing hurts. Worse I managed to do was open up the cut. Did rip up that.. Stab, though.
The rest was satisfied plucking my eyebrows. First time I used the tweezers to do something they're meant for in a while, heh. Hurt a bit.
I fucking hate this. Every time I'm alone I sink. Sink that damned far..
Thinking I'm just going to say fuck it.
... Gotten this far though.
Miss him so bad..

February 6, 2012.

Heh.. That's more blood than when I first made that cut.. Not just beading it's.. Dripping.. mmm..

...Not enough though..
Mum will be angry.. You know she'll be angry.. Might get worse..~
Don't give a damn..
...Maybe you're right though, maybe I'll go for somewhere less visible..
..It keeps tempting me though.

Press through. It's right beneath the flesh. Dark. Maroon. Teasing you. Such a thin layer. It's fucking teasing you.

But if it bleeds there they might notice. I might not stop. You know as well as I that's probably the deepest too.
Yeah, because you fucking stabbed, that wasn't a cut.
...But it started with the pencil.
You think that was a fucking accident? Why do you lie to yourself?
Because I have to lie to others that way so much.. Best way to pretend is to lie like that.. To get myself thinking it's the truth..
Your lies won't get rid of the scars forming.
I love scars. They're pretty.
They don't think so. They'll make you get rid of them.
I WANT THEM.
THEY'RE MINE.

Calm the fuck down. Go for your ribs again later. You don't even have P.E anytime soon.
No one will notice.
...Sounds reasonable..

January 31, 2012.

Most of my sweet memories, were buried in the sand.
The fire and the pain, will now be coming to an end.
How did you get to save me from this desolate wasteland?
In your eyes I see the dawn of brighter days again..

With my tears you washed away, the mud stuck on my hands.
All the things you're trying to do to make me a better, man..
Now I remember the joy and taste of candy cane.
The innocence of youth, and sound of major scales..

Most of what I used to be, had vanished in the waves..
The memories of the boy I've been were drowning and you saved them..
Now I remember the joy and meaning of fate,
The color of the truth and the sound of sunny days..

Most of my sweet memories, were buried in the sand..
The fire and the pain will now be coming to an end,
How did you get to save me from this desolate wasteland?
In your eyes, I see the dawn of brighter days again..

Now why would that be the first song that comes on in the morning on shuffle?.. Interesting enough..
Better than last night, if a slight deafness in my left ear.. That may be permanent, hah.. Don't really wanna go to a doc about it though.. Hard to explain that.
Humm.. So now I just have a bad ear. S'cool..
Got the laptop back today.. School tomorrow.. Then more tutoring.. Then school, then I get my hair dyed.. Woo..
No more p.e till' fourth quarter.. But I've got speech class rather than creative writing the rest of the year..mm.
Should be interesting enough..

January 30, 2012.

.. Deep in the ocean, dead and castaway.
Where innocence is burned.. in flames,
A million miles from home, I'm walking ahead..
I'm frozen to the bone, I am..

A soldier on my own, I don't know the way..
 I'm riding up the heights of shame..
I'm waiting for the call, the hand on the chest..
I'm waiting for the fight, and fate..

The sound of iron shocks is still in my head,
The thunder of the drums dictates,
The rhythm of the falls, the number of deaths..
The rising of the horns, ahead..

From the dawn of time to the end of days..
I will have to run, away..
I want to feel the pain, and the bitter taste.. of the blood on my lips,
again.

This deadly burst of snow is burning my hands,
I'm frozen to the bones, I am..
A million miles from home, I'm walking away..
I can't remind your eyes, your face..


..I'm sorry.. I did it again.. I'm so far gone.. broken so many promises..
...
Just lucky I didn't go straight for the throat this time..
.. Dunno where to go, from here.
Dunno what to think.

...The screaming won't stop..

1/29/12.

So my teacher for creative writing told us to write a realization. A sort of outer body experience we've had, where something just.. clicked. As a kid, or any time really.
I could not for the life of me write one. Eventually though, I went into a weird state of mind, and wrote something.
This would be that something. 
--Realization--

Throughout my life, I have paused and thought. 
Made these breakthroughs of my mind. 
Of me, of also, society, life itself.
As a child, others trying to manipulate, I didn't know
any better. You're supposed to seek normality, aren't you? 
Eventually, I realized I didn't care what they thought I should be. 
That I was me, and I was flawed.
I have to fix myself. For myself. I don't deserve life.
  I don't deserve my parents, or anyone's love.
Later, after so much betrayal, after I
realized, my parents were flawed as well, 
That they helped, THAT THEY even, tried to force me,
To be like them, to be normal.
Realizing, they don't really care about ME,
only who they think I am, want me to be. 
That it's all anybody I knew wanted me to be. 
Thought, convinced themselves I am.
That I didn't have REAL friends.
I knew what they wanted me to be, 
But I had already begun to lose myself.
Realized even I didn't know who I am.
So if I don't know, and they don't,
Who Does?
If my within is everything my mind can hold, 
And what's in me is lost to me, and as I begin to think
Not real, Then what was real?
Nothing. Nothing was real.
After drifting a little,
I realized everything was far too real.
That in fact, this disposition, the fact I was different, would never change. 
Neither was the dark which surrounded me,
The dark which allowed nightmares dance before my eyes.
The dark which so gently wrapped it's fingers
About my throat, stole my breath.
I lingered so long within it, dull light
My only guardian, For the light tore at my very flesh, 
Tried to claw the eyes from my skull.
People were as light, so I avoided them,
And when I eventually crept from my shell, 
Forced so I may learn, To be with them
I felt more alone than even when I lay at night,
Watching my daemons.
So even away from the dark
I began to feel the daemons lingered, stayed with my still,
Clinging within me, and warping my vision,
Their whispers feeling as roars
The way they overwhelm. 
Outer words Lost in their whispers
As well as blinded, all I can do is listen,
As they rant to me, the outer world
Doesn't have to be, isn't real, doesn't matter.
And so I lost reality once more, so alone.
Sometimes though, the daemons would leave me alone,
Or I could push them away, shut them up
And I could reach above, escape, feel so high,
But always they devour me once more,
Pull me back into their rough embrace.


And I'd lay then, wishing to rise,
My eyes fall on the bird, Circling in the sky,
I would envy the bird, who may rise above it all,
Truly free. The bird gets to stay high.
I yearn for it, I want to fly,
But even if I could,
I find myself afraid of heights. 
I find that whenever I rise
I feel more dread than happiness,
For every bird must come down
Eventually, may never stay above them,
And neither may I. I dread flying, for I know,
I will ALWAYS
Fall.

1/27/12.

So this morning I went to sleep at 12. I woke up every hour on the hour after 2. I felt strangely well rested though actually, so it was alright.. Was relaxed as I could be today; had to be. I have a four day weekend now. Should help me relax..
I've been feeling weird today however. I've been seeing things. Mostly one type; a tallish figure out the corner of my eyes. Normally towards the shadows, being a dark sort of creature itself.
Made me think of Horror. I've known he's been watching me for a while, I've felt him in the halls at night often enough. He can't come into my room though, heh..
So today I got a new ipod today. Rob was a wonderful help with that.
I told him I had a headache and was just feelin weird in general.
So we took the ipod I stole from Forrest and smashed it with a hammer.
I feel better now. Sleepy though. xD We broke open the battery and it smelled weird.
..Yawn;;

1/26/12

So, I didn't go to school today or yesterday. Too much stress I guess, this morning in particular I was almost out the door and then I threw up, lol.
So I go back to sleep this morning and have several dreams.
Most memorable one would be one including my friends on xat. Basically, xat was an MMO. Everyone was their characters, with all their powers and shit. Each different chat was a section of the world you had to load; so every time someone opened a black hole, that section or chat would disappear. xD.
So I was in the chat that I've been in lately with a few of the people that were there yesterday, including Vinceh~
That dream was nice. And fun and such.
Then I had a dream about my ex again; Forrest. He kept trying to get close to me and I couldn't make him go away, my parents were there but they didn't help at all.
Pretty sure he's gonna end up dead if he doesn't leave my dreams alone.
Perhaps just dead in dreams, perhaps irl. :3

1/23/12

You thought this could ever apply to you? You're not your skin, you're fucking worse, you self-centred fuck. Would you have that done to you? What you did to me every fucking day? Because I'd love to leave you with so many bruises.

1/22/12.

Last night mum saw the scratch on my nose when we were talking. She asked me what it was from.

When dad put his hand over my mouth and all, only thing that stopped him was the fact she had walked in, but she didn't see what we going on. 

So I suppose she's not that blind, as not to notice it.. But it's on my face and pretty obvious, so..

.. She seemed freaked out when I told her what had happened. Suppose he'd left that part out when they spoke. Woops. :]

It's funny though, we were doing a bit of yoga/stretching, my wrist was even turned directly towards her and she didn't seem to notice that.

I dunno why I didn't hide it better in the first place. I suppose I really did stop caring. Will only encourage her to start trying to find me a psychologist, like she said she'd do.. 

It's funny, I've caught people with scars. Even with fresh cuts. 

I have this.. routine I go through.

"Nice cuts!" I'll laugh softly, meeting their eyes. "Where'd you get them?" 

They'll say something or another. Sometimes they'll be honest, admit it. But it's easy enough to tell when people lie about it.

Probably because I've used most of the lies.

If I had one wish and couldn't wish for more wishes, I'd wish that all my friends were within walking distance. That way, I could notice more about them. I could see them, feel them.. It would be.. wonderful. 

Hn.. School tomorrow.. I've reconnected with an old friend of mine since 7th grade.. I was unsure for a long time if she was a real friend, we used to fight a lot, and she honestly was generally pretty selfish some of the time.. 

But she's changed a lot; we both have.. It's wonderful, she's very.. observant.. I can really speak to her.. And we click so well, always have, and it's stayed.. 

So we may have a sleepover soon.. The idea is.. wonderful. I do hope it works..

I wonder now, how I could be used, if one wanted to.. 

..Also, I can't sleep. 

1/21/12

Wonderful morning.
Ever been so caught it dreams, in sleep, that a basic need caught you whilst asleep? That you couldn't wake up? Well, now I have. Not quite a coma, but, hypersomnia perhaps. I could not wake up.
---
^Alright, so I wrote that last night and never finished.
Let me continue.
Ehm, well. I fell back asleep and woke up when my dad slammed the door open. It was time for school, I was doing what I usually do when I've decided I'm staying home sick. Even turning in the bed hurt my back, so. I thought it'd be.. reasonable to stay home. Especially since my backpack which I have to carry around all day has two full binders and a bunch of other stuff I NEED in it.. Which WOULD kill my back.
However, my parents decided otherwise. Mum decided I was just fine despite how much I'd been hurting before; She saw that I could hardly walk; I could go. So she told my dad not to go, making him late for work. So I end up talking to mum and she's being pretty reasonable, and then dad comes in and she leaves. He goes into the big picture shit, says that if I physically can, I have to go to school now, cause I missed too many days.. Yeah, I have missed too many days, I agree. I dunno what's going to come of that honestly.
...Summer school would suck, since I'm in all honors classes in the first place. x-x Maybe that will make up for it if I manage to keep my grades up? Neh..
Anyway, I end up hiding my laptop, because he starts to threaten that if I don't go to school right then, he's gonna ground me, take the phones, take the laptop.. Basically cut off my communication with the outside. Completely.
Which, I have to be honest? Might kill me. I couldn't live without my friends..
They're all that makes any of this worth it.
He starts to act even more serious about it. Keeps talking, won't leave me the hell alone.
So I start aggravating him. What the hell have I got to lose, I asked myself. Eventually I was just trying to drown him out, hands over my ears and babbling.
Ends up with him on top of me, pinning me down, fatass that he is.. Hand over my mouth and spitting on my face as he screamed.
Turns out he scratched my nose too, enough it bled. xD So there's a scab on the tip of my nose now, wonderful eh?

1/20/12

help me
           help meeeee.

1/19/12

Been a while. Hearing more things, seeing more things more often. I hate the end of the quarter of school, always far too stressful for no good damned reason. Throwing projects and shit on us.. Bleh. And then a quiz every other class. x-x
Also I almost lost my job today, that was wonderful. I fixed that well enough I think, but definitely going to need cooperation from the other side as well as more effort shown while I'm there.
Adding to the list of shit, I messed up my sacrum somehow. Pulled a muscle too, everything's all messed up. I did it sometime yesterday and this morning I woke up in pain, but it wasn't too bad. Went through class up until p.e well enough. Ended up hopping once in this one activity where you have to basically do hopscotch and fell on my face  in front of the class cause' my leg buckled. <3 Damn that was fun.
Mum still has not even found a psychologist for me, doubt she's looked into it.. May be time this weekend to corner her about that.
More scars on my arm. Twelve at least. All from within the past two months, max three months. Never used to cut my wrists till' now, heh. Would always go for less noticeable places. Perhaps I stopped caring.
Gotta be honest, ghosts are stirring. I had a dream recently about an ex of mine, whom left me with bruises, held a knife to my throat once, wouldn't let me speak.. You get the picture.
It really bugged me. My head hasn't left me alone since then.
It won't go away. he won't go away.
I need to get rid of him. Somehow.
Just need them to stop..