1/29/12.

So my teacher for creative writing told us to write a realization. A sort of outer body experience we've had, where something just.. clicked. As a kid, or any time really.
I could not for the life of me write one. Eventually though, I went into a weird state of mind, and wrote something.
This would be that something. 
--Realization--

Throughout my life, I have paused and thought. 
Made these breakthroughs of my mind. 
Of me, of also, society, life itself.
As a child, others trying to manipulate, I didn't know
any better. You're supposed to seek normality, aren't you? 
Eventually, I realized I didn't care what they thought I should be. 
That I was me, and I was flawed.
I have to fix myself. For myself. I don't deserve life.
  I don't deserve my parents, or anyone's love.
Later, after so much betrayal, after I
realized, my parents were flawed as well, 
That they helped, THAT THEY even, tried to force me,
To be like them, to be normal.
Realizing, they don't really care about ME,
only who they think I am, want me to be. 
That it's all anybody I knew wanted me to be. 
Thought, convinced themselves I am.
That I didn't have REAL friends.
I knew what they wanted me to be, 
But I had already begun to lose myself.
Realized even I didn't know who I am.
So if I don't know, and they don't,
Who Does?
If my within is everything my mind can hold, 
And what's in me is lost to me, and as I begin to think
Not real, Then what was real?
Nothing. Nothing was real.
After drifting a little,
I realized everything was far too real.
That in fact, this disposition, the fact I was different, would never change. 
Neither was the dark which surrounded me,
The dark which allowed nightmares dance before my eyes.
The dark which so gently wrapped it's fingers
About my throat, stole my breath.
I lingered so long within it, dull light
My only guardian, For the light tore at my very flesh, 
Tried to claw the eyes from my skull.
People were as light, so I avoided them,
And when I eventually crept from my shell, 
Forced so I may learn, To be with them
I felt more alone than even when I lay at night,
Watching my daemons.
So even away from the dark
I began to feel the daemons lingered, stayed with my still,
Clinging within me, and warping my vision,
Their whispers feeling as roars
The way they overwhelm. 
Outer words Lost in their whispers
As well as blinded, all I can do is listen,
As they rant to me, the outer world
Doesn't have to be, isn't real, doesn't matter.
And so I lost reality once more, so alone.
Sometimes though, the daemons would leave me alone,
Or I could push them away, shut them up
And I could reach above, escape, feel so high,
But always they devour me once more,
Pull me back into their rough embrace.


And I'd lay then, wishing to rise,
My eyes fall on the bird, Circling in the sky,
I would envy the bird, who may rise above it all,
Truly free. The bird gets to stay high.
I yearn for it, I want to fly,
But even if I could,
I find myself afraid of heights. 
I find that whenever I rise
I feel more dread than happiness,
For every bird must come down
Eventually, may never stay above them,
And neither may I. I dread flying, for I know,
I will ALWAYS
Fall.