Holidays soon. This next week will be total bullshit, no one wants to be at school. Not the teachers, not us. Hopefully the p.e teachers will chill the fuck out, as well.
I wish I were happier, I really do. I suppose a lot of people get all excited about the idea of material possessions.. Of uhm, possessing them. I guess that's cool, I definitely do appreciate what I have and what I know I'm getting thus far..
I just.. I've come to realize that even surrounded by people whom call me a friend, having my bf.. Whom I can not live without.. Even if I haven't been able to see him as much as I'd like to, he's there, he's so within reach.. I -HAVE- him.. Don't I?
Why is it that I'm questioning that right now?
Right now I'm wondering if his teasingly pushing me away is actually real. I can never tell, honestly. My father never stops, never stopped teasing me. Jokes and jokes and nothing serious, no, he can't deal with serious. And now my love pushes me away, laughing softly sometimes. That's a sign he's joking. But he doesn't stop. He doesn't stop teasing me afterwards, so I never do get to hold him like I wanted to, to nuzzle my face into his neck and just lay, content.
All I can do is seek it.
Does he not want it from me? Am I undesirable in some way? Do I smell, or am I rough? Do I hurt him?
Or is he just sick of me? Has he finally decided I'm annoying and he wants me to stay away from him?
I can hardly stand the thought of that but it seems so likely with how he's been acting. I hate it, I do. I want it to be more simple, I hate being teased. Despise it. I don't want to seem like I don't have a sense of humor, but I need touch. I never had touch before. I only had longing.
I don't want to go back to only having longing. I hate that feeling. I want it but I can not have it anytime soon. He makes me doubt I'll have it at all.
Maybe I should give up, curl up. But whenever I do that he gets upset. We end up fighting and I end up not knowing why.
Why does he get upset when I'm negative? Of course I'm going to be fucking negative. If you don't fucking like that, CHANGE IT. HOW DO YOU CHANGE IT?
Definitely not by yelling at me, making me feel worse. Leaving me to curl up and cry.
Giving up on me.
If you give up on me then I'll have to give up on myself.
Again.
If you want me to die, just fucking leave. I'm sure you don't want to watch it happen.
You aren't that sadistic, are you?
Perhaps I am as Cassandra. Her curse is that no one would believe her. Calchas could not defend himself from the results of negative news for his arms did not allow it.
Perhaps mine is more social. More in love.
Love that will probably kill me.
Was always meant to.
Always felt that.
Nobody could stand to hold me.
Not too long. Never too long. Why would anyone do so? I seek touch, to be held, just to be held and to speak, perhaps open myself to someone.
Yet that chance has not yet been given. Impatience on his part. Makes me nervous.
He finds it a waste of time..
I find it to be the best use.
So why is he whom claims to love me more than the world so distracted by the world?
Why does he claim to want to know, yet not give me the time to open up? Shit, no wonder I can't fucking sleep. Selfish fucks. All of them. What's fucking wrong with me? Who gives a shit? You? Oh, what, are you looking to get in my pants? Too fuckin bad.
Don't think anyone's gettin there at this rate.
Why are you always fucking angry? Why at me? Why when I fucking need you most?
Why, when I've got friends, life going "steady", and I've got you,
Do I feel more alone than ever?
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