Alright, well technically it's 12:21 AM, so it's actually 12/05/11 right now, but I don't give a shit.
I can't stop shaking, This would be an up, or mania. I came to several realizations and I can't stop thinking about them.
It's my parent's fucking fault.
It always has been.
I try to fucking talk, to open to someone I trust, I truly trust, but I can't trust them. I can't trust them not to make a joke and brush it off.
Because I'm so used to it.
All my life that's been what happened.
My dad, my mum, oh, you can tell us anything. Fuck yeah, I can say anything, but it'll bounce right off your fucking thick skull.
You claim to care but that is yet another lie. You don't care for who I truly am or how I am, how I really feel inside, the fucking turmoil I go through. You laugh, teenagers, you say. Just angst.
Just angst.
Angst.
Seriously?
You don't really care for me, you care for who I "might become". Who you fucking want me to be in other words.
Oh yeah, I'll fucking get married then have my own kids and they'll be perfect and I'm even perfect now, well-balanced. You've got nothing to worry about because I'll turn out just how you want.
I've always fucking cared about your opinion, haven't I?
I'm glad they can hide in their pretty little delusions. That's part of why I probably never will have a child of my own, I'm afraid I'll become like their dumb asses.
I haven't fucking cared for their opinion on things for a damn long time. On how I dress and who I should be. I don't listen. I gave up on them a long time ago.
So I don't meet expectations? Oh, too fucking bad. I don't live to meet your, OR ANYONE'S FUCKING EXPECTATIONS.
YOU WANT ME TO GROW UP AND FORGET WHAT AN INDIVIDUAL IS? YOU WANT ME TO GROW OUT OF INDIVIDUALISM. TO GROW OUT OF MY OWN MIND. TO FALL INTO THE PATTERN OF SOCIETY THAT YOU HAVE, OH, OR EVEN JUST THE DELUSIONS THAT YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE? SO MUCH IS GETTING DONE, MOTHER, SIT ON YOUR ASS IN THIS SHIT-HOLE AND HAVE FUN. YOUR LIFE WILL BE OVER AND YOU WON'T HAVE ACHIEVED HALF THE SHIT I HAVE WHEN I'M NOT EVEN CONSIDERED OLD ENOUGH TO THINK.
Oh, yeah, I know it would hurt you to read this shit. It would hurt you bad, but it's the cold truth.
I seriously have come to hate you, in part of me.
Your ignorance. Nah, not the way people say it lately, more so the fact that you don't know jack shit and think you know everything there is to know.
This isn't even the worst thing I've written about you, nope.
I don't honestly know how I can survive four more years with them. I don't think I can alone.
Hell, I wouldn't have probably survived even this long without my love.
Is he my love forever? I actually think so.
As long as my mind doesn't rot before forever.
I can't fucking sleep and it's pissing me off. I've tried several things and none are working.
I guess a lot of chai would help in the morning when I've had no sleep.
And I'm going to have plenty of chai, what a blessing.
I just hope that I don't go back into that state again.
I love chai, I really do. But after I start coming down I feel like shit.
My chest aches and emotionally I feel like I'm dying. It sucks, it really does.
Plenty to do tomorrow, as well. I'll probably end up going to my counselor during English/history block and lunch so that I don't have to deal with telling them I don't have my homework done.
Was too busy with other things this weekend. Also many other thoughts.
I think I might go back to reading, try to relax some.
...Probably won't work.
"If you don't let it out you're gonna let it eat you away;"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXMg7DaW2yI
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