Dead inside. "Dark as death". I've been amazingly agitated lately, when I'm not completely numb.
Feel like I'm falling apart.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
12/18/11
Holidays soon. This next week will be total bullshit, no one wants to be at school. Not the teachers, not us. Hopefully the p.e teachers will chill the fuck out, as well.
I wish I were happier, I really do. I suppose a lot of people get all excited about the idea of material possessions.. Of uhm, possessing them. I guess that's cool, I definitely do appreciate what I have and what I know I'm getting thus far..
I just.. I've come to realize that even surrounded by people whom call me a friend, having my bf.. Whom I can not live without.. Even if I haven't been able to see him as much as I'd like to, he's there, he's so within reach.. I -HAVE- him.. Don't I?
Why is it that I'm questioning that right now?
Right now I'm wondering if his teasingly pushing me away is actually real. I can never tell, honestly. My father never stops, never stopped teasing me. Jokes and jokes and nothing serious, no, he can't deal with serious. And now my love pushes me away, laughing softly sometimes. That's a sign he's joking. But he doesn't stop. He doesn't stop teasing me afterwards, so I never do get to hold him like I wanted to, to nuzzle my face into his neck and just lay, content.
All I can do is seek it.
Does he not want it from me? Am I undesirable in some way? Do I smell, or am I rough? Do I hurt him?
Or is he just sick of me? Has he finally decided I'm annoying and he wants me to stay away from him?
I can hardly stand the thought of that but it seems so likely with how he's been acting. I hate it, I do. I want it to be more simple, I hate being teased. Despise it. I don't want to seem like I don't have a sense of humor, but I need touch. I never had touch before. I only had longing.
I don't want to go back to only having longing. I hate that feeling. I want it but I can not have it anytime soon. He makes me doubt I'll have it at all.
Maybe I should give up, curl up. But whenever I do that he gets upset. We end up fighting and I end up not knowing why.
Why does he get upset when I'm negative? Of course I'm going to be fucking negative. If you don't fucking like that, CHANGE IT. HOW DO YOU CHANGE IT?
Definitely not by yelling at me, making me feel worse. Leaving me to curl up and cry.
Giving up on me.
If you give up on me then I'll have to give up on myself.
Again.
If you want me to die, just fucking leave. I'm sure you don't want to watch it happen.
You aren't that sadistic, are you?
Perhaps I am as Cassandra. Her curse is that no one would believe her. Calchas could not defend himself from the results of negative news for his arms did not allow it.
Perhaps mine is more social. More in love.
Love that will probably kill me.
Was always meant to.
Always felt that.
Nobody could stand to hold me.
Not too long. Never too long. Why would anyone do so? I seek touch, to be held, just to be held and to speak, perhaps open myself to someone.
Yet that chance has not yet been given. Impatience on his part. Makes me nervous.
He finds it a waste of time..
I find it to be the best use.
So why is he whom claims to love me more than the world so distracted by the world?
Why does he claim to want to know, yet not give me the time to open up? Shit, no wonder I can't fucking sleep. Selfish fucks. All of them. What's fucking wrong with me? Who gives a shit? You? Oh, what, are you looking to get in my pants? Too fuckin bad.
Don't think anyone's gettin there at this rate.
Why are you always fucking angry? Why at me? Why when I fucking need you most?
Why, when I've got friends, life going "steady", and I've got you,
Do I feel more alone than ever?
I wish I were happier, I really do. I suppose a lot of people get all excited about the idea of material possessions.. Of uhm, possessing them. I guess that's cool, I definitely do appreciate what I have and what I know I'm getting thus far..
I just.. I've come to realize that even surrounded by people whom call me a friend, having my bf.. Whom I can not live without.. Even if I haven't been able to see him as much as I'd like to, he's there, he's so within reach.. I -HAVE- him.. Don't I?
Why is it that I'm questioning that right now?
Right now I'm wondering if his teasingly pushing me away is actually real. I can never tell, honestly. My father never stops, never stopped teasing me. Jokes and jokes and nothing serious, no, he can't deal with serious. And now my love pushes me away, laughing softly sometimes. That's a sign he's joking. But he doesn't stop. He doesn't stop teasing me afterwards, so I never do get to hold him like I wanted to, to nuzzle my face into his neck and just lay, content.
All I can do is seek it.
Does he not want it from me? Am I undesirable in some way? Do I smell, or am I rough? Do I hurt him?
Or is he just sick of me? Has he finally decided I'm annoying and he wants me to stay away from him?
I can hardly stand the thought of that but it seems so likely with how he's been acting. I hate it, I do. I want it to be more simple, I hate being teased. Despise it. I don't want to seem like I don't have a sense of humor, but I need touch. I never had touch before. I only had longing.
I don't want to go back to only having longing. I hate that feeling. I want it but I can not have it anytime soon. He makes me doubt I'll have it at all.
Maybe I should give up, curl up. But whenever I do that he gets upset. We end up fighting and I end up not knowing why.
Why does he get upset when I'm negative? Of course I'm going to be fucking negative. If you don't fucking like that, CHANGE IT. HOW DO YOU CHANGE IT?
Definitely not by yelling at me, making me feel worse. Leaving me to curl up and cry.
Giving up on me.
If you give up on me then I'll have to give up on myself.
Again.
If you want me to die, just fucking leave. I'm sure you don't want to watch it happen.
You aren't that sadistic, are you?
Perhaps I am as Cassandra. Her curse is that no one would believe her. Calchas could not defend himself from the results of negative news for his arms did not allow it.
Perhaps mine is more social. More in love.
Love that will probably kill me.
Was always meant to.
Always felt that.
Nobody could stand to hold me.
Not too long. Never too long. Why would anyone do so? I seek touch, to be held, just to be held and to speak, perhaps open myself to someone.
Yet that chance has not yet been given. Impatience on his part. Makes me nervous.
He finds it a waste of time..
I find it to be the best use.
So why is he whom claims to love me more than the world so distracted by the world?
Why does he claim to want to know, yet not give me the time to open up? Shit, no wonder I can't fucking sleep. Selfish fucks. All of them. What's fucking wrong with me? Who gives a shit? You? Oh, what, are you looking to get in my pants? Too fuckin bad.
Don't think anyone's gettin there at this rate.
Why are you always fucking angry? Why at me? Why when I fucking need you most?
Why, when I've got friends, life going "steady", and I've got you,
Do I feel more alone than ever?
Monday, December 5, 2011
12/05/11
This morning started with a panic attack. Slept about two hours and woke up late, dad pulled stupid shit and ended up pissed at me, called me a selfish bitch.
Wonderful.
Tomorrow I get to see the school psychiatrist, which is actually rather exciting.
Sometimes, though, I could swear I still feel Her. Her cold, her pain. Her want for all she had left that she can't quite reach.
I blatantly lied to her, too. I wonder sometimes if there will come punishment for a previously sincere promise.
Wonderful.
Tomorrow I get to see the school psychiatrist, which is actually rather exciting.
Sometimes, though, I could swear I still feel Her. Her cold, her pain. Her want for all she had left that she can't quite reach.
I blatantly lied to her, too. I wonder sometimes if there will come punishment for a previously sincere promise.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
12/04/11.
Holy shit. I went through this really hyper, impulsive state earlier. I was on a walk with my friend in the cold and kept shaking, probably from the cold, but I got really, really hyper. We went outside because her ex whom she is afraid of was out there somewhere and we had to walk her dog. She didn't really want to talk to him it turns out, but if we ran into him, in the state I was in, he, as I put it, "Would end up riding his bike home with broken balls, hehe."
Sounds fun, yeah? I'm still on this mini high, doesn't help that I just got a tall chai tea and finished it. I mean, I was already bad before-hand, but I've got this, like, ache kind of thing in my chest, this jitteriness. I can't focus on one thing too long and I keep forgetting what I'm trying to write.
Also my dad won't stop talking to me so it's even harder to focus. I want him to fuck off so I can just sit here. He just keeps talking about stupid, pointless things and it's fucking annoying. xD.
But it's okay, because I feel like I'm floating. My arms are tingling and I feel like grinning and grinning. 6:35 PM
I feel the sudden need to get everything done while I can, while I'm in a good enough mood; I guess.
12/04/11.
It's 11:27 AM or so. I woke up.. 10 minutes ago? Not quite sure. I'm tired. I got about 8 hours of sleep and it doesn't seem enough, which is pretty funny.
I say it doesn't seem enough because my head hurts. My neck does a small bit as well, all on the left side. Probably the same side that it did yesterday, I don't have the patience to go back and look. Not got the patience for much right now. Fairly sure I've woken up with the feeling again, ruling out my thought that it only happens when I oversleep.
The feeling, since I don't believe I've explained yet, is the feeling that makes me want to curl up and sleep and stay in my dreams all day, withdraw from the world. Probably just because the world sucks and has pain, and is rather unchanging. Well; I can change it, we all can. But whenever I try to change something that really bothers me they end up angry at me and things get worse. They only change for the worse with my parents.
Maybe that's why I find it so hard to speak? To bring up stuff that bugs me with even my boyfriend, even though he won't really get that angry? Maybe because I'm just afraid of the same reaction I get from them?
Damn, I never thought of it like that, but it makes sense, eh?
Wow, I'm seriously talking to myself.
But it helps, it does.
I put down thoughts faster on here than I can write them, plus there's far more space. That helps things, considering I think fast, and type closer to that speed than I write.
Wonder if I should show this to my psychiatrist when I finally go to see them, or just collect data from these to show?
Meh.
I say it doesn't seem enough because my head hurts. My neck does a small bit as well, all on the left side. Probably the same side that it did yesterday, I don't have the patience to go back and look. Not got the patience for much right now. Fairly sure I've woken up with the feeling again, ruling out my thought that it only happens when I oversleep.
The feeling, since I don't believe I've explained yet, is the feeling that makes me want to curl up and sleep and stay in my dreams all day, withdraw from the world. Probably just because the world sucks and has pain, and is rather unchanging. Well; I can change it, we all can. But whenever I try to change something that really bothers me they end up angry at me and things get worse. They only change for the worse with my parents.
Maybe that's why I find it so hard to speak? To bring up stuff that bugs me with even my boyfriend, even though he won't really get that angry? Maybe because I'm just afraid of the same reaction I get from them?
Damn, I never thought of it like that, but it makes sense, eh?
Wow, I'm seriously talking to myself.
But it helps, it does.
I put down thoughts faster on here than I can write them, plus there's far more space. That helps things, considering I think fast, and type closer to that speed than I write.
Wonder if I should show this to my psychiatrist when I finally go to see them, or just collect data from these to show?
Meh.
12/03/11.
I can't sleep. I want to, I do, but I can't. I can't bring myself to do it.
I have a few things I could do. I could try I guess. Or I could give up and try to stay awake, which will lead to more hallucinations and I'll probably be too afraid to leave my room again. Especially in the dark, because I might have to in the night still. But I can't.
I could curl up and stay awake or fall asleep trying to keep writing, but I'll probably fall asleep and the pen will be open and all the ink will soak through my notebook and ruin plenty of good research I did today on mental disorders.
That was fun. I'm discovering myself, what's in myself, learning all about it. Figuring out what may have caused it. I found a very nice site for it, heh. minddisorders.com. Wonderful place. So I discovered a lot today about myself and others, but also learned of a passion of mine. I guess it sounds strange, but I love learning about mental disorders and applying the knowledge.
If I go into psychology with as many problems as I have, would they even let me try and help people? Maybe they could study me, I guess, or I could study myself and others. There are plenty of things they've yet to discover about quite a few disorders. I could write different ideas as well, theories, and such, maybe eventually get published or something. That would be nice. I would just love to share my ideas.
I actually feel almost drunk right now. I can't think straight so my mind keeps jumping away and my sentences come out weirdly. It's almost embarrassing, but oh well, I'm going to post this anyway. :}
My eyes hurt and I keep twitching. I have an ache all down my neck and around the left side of my head. Also it's hard to even remember directions apparently, since I thought my left was right.
I'm going to attempt sleep. Woohoo.
I have a few things I could do. I could try I guess. Or I could give up and try to stay awake, which will lead to more hallucinations and I'll probably be too afraid to leave my room again. Especially in the dark, because I might have to in the night still. But I can't.
I could curl up and stay awake or fall asleep trying to keep writing, but I'll probably fall asleep and the pen will be open and all the ink will soak through my notebook and ruin plenty of good research I did today on mental disorders.
That was fun. I'm discovering myself, what's in myself, learning all about it. Figuring out what may have caused it. I found a very nice site for it, heh. minddisorders.com. Wonderful place. So I discovered a lot today about myself and others, but also learned of a passion of mine. I guess it sounds strange, but I love learning about mental disorders and applying the knowledge.
If I go into psychology with as many problems as I have, would they even let me try and help people? Maybe they could study me, I guess, or I could study myself and others. There are plenty of things they've yet to discover about quite a few disorders. I could write different ideas as well, theories, and such, maybe eventually get published or something. That would be nice. I would just love to share my ideas.
I actually feel almost drunk right now. I can't think straight so my mind keeps jumping away and my sentences come out weirdly. It's almost embarrassing, but oh well, I'm going to post this anyway. :}
My eyes hurt and I keep twitching. I have an ache all down my neck and around the left side of my head. Also it's hard to even remember directions apparently, since I thought my left was right.
I'm going to attempt sleep. Woohoo.
12/04/11. Third Time Today (Second tonight.)
Alright, well technically it's 12:21 AM, so it's actually 12/05/11 right now, but I don't give a shit.
I can't stop shaking, This would be an up, or mania. I came to several realizations and I can't stop thinking about them.
It's my parent's fucking fault.
It always has been.
I try to fucking talk, to open to someone I trust, I truly trust, but I can't trust them. I can't trust them not to make a joke and brush it off.
Because I'm so used to it.
All my life that's been what happened.
My dad, my mum, oh, you can tell us anything. Fuck yeah, I can say anything, but it'll bounce right off your fucking thick skull.
You claim to care but that is yet another lie. You don't care for who I truly am or how I am, how I really feel inside, the fucking turmoil I go through. You laugh, teenagers, you say. Just angst.
Just angst.
Angst.
Seriously?
You don't really care for me, you care for who I "might become". Who you fucking want me to be in other words.
Oh yeah, I'll fucking get married then have my own kids and they'll be perfect and I'm even perfect now, well-balanced. You've got nothing to worry about because I'll turn out just how you want.
I've always fucking cared about your opinion, haven't I?
I'm glad they can hide in their pretty little delusions. That's part of why I probably never will have a child of my own, I'm afraid I'll become like their dumb asses.
I haven't fucking cared for their opinion on things for a damn long time. On how I dress and who I should be. I don't listen. I gave up on them a long time ago.
So I don't meet expectations? Oh, too fucking bad. I don't live to meet your, OR ANYONE'S FUCKING EXPECTATIONS.
YOU WANT ME TO GROW UP AND FORGET WHAT AN INDIVIDUAL IS? YOU WANT ME TO GROW OUT OF INDIVIDUALISM. TO GROW OUT OF MY OWN MIND. TO FALL INTO THE PATTERN OF SOCIETY THAT YOU HAVE, OH, OR EVEN JUST THE DELUSIONS THAT YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE? SO MUCH IS GETTING DONE, MOTHER, SIT ON YOUR ASS IN THIS SHIT-HOLE AND HAVE FUN. YOUR LIFE WILL BE OVER AND YOU WON'T HAVE ACHIEVED HALF THE SHIT I HAVE WHEN I'M NOT EVEN CONSIDERED OLD ENOUGH TO THINK.
Oh, yeah, I know it would hurt you to read this shit. It would hurt you bad, but it's the cold truth.
I seriously have come to hate you, in part of me.
Your ignorance. Nah, not the way people say it lately, more so the fact that you don't know jack shit and think you know everything there is to know.
This isn't even the worst thing I've written about you, nope.
I don't honestly know how I can survive four more years with them. I don't think I can alone.
Hell, I wouldn't have probably survived even this long without my love.
Is he my love forever? I actually think so.
As long as my mind doesn't rot before forever.
I can't fucking sleep and it's pissing me off. I've tried several things and none are working.
I guess a lot of chai would help in the morning when I've had no sleep.
And I'm going to have plenty of chai, what a blessing.
I just hope that I don't go back into that state again.
I love chai, I really do. But after I start coming down I feel like shit.
My chest aches and emotionally I feel like I'm dying. It sucks, it really does.
Plenty to do tomorrow, as well. I'll probably end up going to my counselor during English/history block and lunch so that I don't have to deal with telling them I don't have my homework done.
Was too busy with other things this weekend. Also many other thoughts.
I think I might go back to reading, try to relax some.
...Probably won't work.
"If you don't let it out you're gonna let it eat you away;"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXMg7DaW2yI
I can't stop shaking, This would be an up, or mania. I came to several realizations and I can't stop thinking about them.
It's my parent's fucking fault.
It always has been.
I try to fucking talk, to open to someone I trust, I truly trust, but I can't trust them. I can't trust them not to make a joke and brush it off.
Because I'm so used to it.
All my life that's been what happened.
My dad, my mum, oh, you can tell us anything. Fuck yeah, I can say anything, but it'll bounce right off your fucking thick skull.
You claim to care but that is yet another lie. You don't care for who I truly am or how I am, how I really feel inside, the fucking turmoil I go through. You laugh, teenagers, you say. Just angst.
Just angst.
Angst.
Seriously?
You don't really care for me, you care for who I "might become". Who you fucking want me to be in other words.
Oh yeah, I'll fucking get married then have my own kids and they'll be perfect and I'm even perfect now, well-balanced. You've got nothing to worry about because I'll turn out just how you want.
I've always fucking cared about your opinion, haven't I?
I'm glad they can hide in their pretty little delusions. That's part of why I probably never will have a child of my own, I'm afraid I'll become like their dumb asses.
I haven't fucking cared for their opinion on things for a damn long time. On how I dress and who I should be. I don't listen. I gave up on them a long time ago.
So I don't meet expectations? Oh, too fucking bad. I don't live to meet your, OR ANYONE'S FUCKING EXPECTATIONS.
YOU WANT ME TO GROW UP AND FORGET WHAT AN INDIVIDUAL IS? YOU WANT ME TO GROW OUT OF INDIVIDUALISM. TO GROW OUT OF MY OWN MIND. TO FALL INTO THE PATTERN OF SOCIETY THAT YOU HAVE, OH, OR EVEN JUST THE DELUSIONS THAT YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE? SO MUCH IS GETTING DONE, MOTHER, SIT ON YOUR ASS IN THIS SHIT-HOLE AND HAVE FUN. YOUR LIFE WILL BE OVER AND YOU WON'T HAVE ACHIEVED HALF THE SHIT I HAVE WHEN I'M NOT EVEN CONSIDERED OLD ENOUGH TO THINK.
Oh, yeah, I know it would hurt you to read this shit. It would hurt you bad, but it's the cold truth.
I seriously have come to hate you, in part of me.
Your ignorance. Nah, not the way people say it lately, more so the fact that you don't know jack shit and think you know everything there is to know.
This isn't even the worst thing I've written about you, nope.
I don't honestly know how I can survive four more years with them. I don't think I can alone.
Hell, I wouldn't have probably survived even this long without my love.
Is he my love forever? I actually think so.
As long as my mind doesn't rot before forever.
I can't fucking sleep and it's pissing me off. I've tried several things and none are working.
I guess a lot of chai would help in the morning when I've had no sleep.
And I'm going to have plenty of chai, what a blessing.
I just hope that I don't go back into that state again.
I love chai, I really do. But after I start coming down I feel like shit.
My chest aches and emotionally I feel like I'm dying. It sucks, it really does.
Plenty to do tomorrow, as well. I'll probably end up going to my counselor during English/history block and lunch so that I don't have to deal with telling them I don't have my homework done.
Was too busy with other things this weekend. Also many other thoughts.
I think I might go back to reading, try to relax some.
...Probably won't work.
"If you don't let it out you're gonna let it eat you away;"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXMg7DaW2yI
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