Monday, February 27, 2012

Eyes..

Hmm.. Could swear I know what it's called.. I'll have to look it up again when I get home..
Hnn.. Won't stop whining.. The eyes, the eyes.. Shaking.. Breaths ragged.. But no.. I'm calm.. So calm..
The eyes.. The eyes, they're cold.. They're.. Dead
No.. They're mine. They're mine..
They're playing dead.. I'm okay..
We're okay..
Killed him. You're talented, small one. Killed him without touching him. I could learn a thing or two from you.
You always manage to kill the wrong one though..

I know..
Dont want HIM to die.. Why did he remind me..?
Maybe he was like that anyway..
Safe now anyway.. Be goddamned selfish for once..
Okay..

It's okay.. I have you..
Our little secret.. <3~

Sunday, February 26, 2012

The Goal...What?

What?.. What is the goal?.. Keeps popping up.. What are they talking about?.. What is my goal?..
Need a list.. List will make it easier.. I suppose.. List towards the goal I don't know..

Big things.. I suppose I do need to finish school.. That's always a big thing.. But college.. What for college?.. Psychology.. And art.. Yeah.. But what is that goal?.. What is that moving towards..? Wha..

Don't like coming at each new day blind.. Want to know what I'm doing.. can't.. Unpredictable.. Don't like it.. mm.. Maybe that's why I don't like school as much..
Want to know..
Maybe that's why psychology..? And art feels good.. Allows me, and them to express.. To get it out.. To show it..

But what's the goal..? Why do I live?.. Knowledge..? Is that why?.. Seems like..
Suppose it's fates job to get me to do, nudge whatever in some direction..
Yet it seems so.. empty.. Life is so empty right now..
So unreal.. It's becoming unreal again..mm.. Don't like it..
Bleh..Tired..
Stuff to do today though.. ..Sigh;;

Friday, February 24, 2012

Beat.. Beat..

Pulse.. Pulse.. Pulsing beneath the flesh.. Feel like I'm going to start shaking.. Just want sleep though.. My head.. Nmh.. Weird..
Feels weird.. Deep breaths.. Deep.. Alright.. I'm okay.. Bleh.. Too weak to be annoyed by this.. Hate her voice.. But it's okay.. Just listen to the music..

Heh.. Ding.. Maybe that's why bad wolf always made sense to me?.. Felt familiar..

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Safe..

Safety is your arms. The folds in your mind enveloping mine. So much calmer now.. I have you, you have me.. I can do anything now. Can push through whatever is thrown at me..
You make this all worth it. It's all okay, now. You make it all safe.
If I'm taken away then i'll be back. I'll make sure.. You're worth it. So worth it.. Everything is working on time.. I trust it will continue to do so..
We'll get through this. Them. I will hold you.
And if I'm too weak, we'll fall together.
So long as I have you...

Monday, February 20, 2012

What..?

What did they use? It's bothering me now.
Tweezers are hidden.
Plus, it's way too thin to have been the tweezers.. It was done in one precise swoop.
A pen? Maybe.. No; there's no ink.. Never was a sign of ink in em..

..They're thin. Razor thin.
Could it have been..? No, I don't have any razors I can take the razors out of.. And it's just one line for each, not three/four..

Then what..?

They're red.. Seems to be a scab.. looks really weird.. They seem to be healing, however much they throb..
It'll be okay..
Think I'm going to see the school psychologist tomorrow..

Perfect.

Dark hair and green eyes.
Sweet and innocent yet so dark, so aware. All that is within you..
Beyond that which others could possibly reach.. That is obvious..
Alike. So very alike, yet mostly we don't even realize..
You're anxious like me. You hear them like me.
And you care for me.. How lucky I am, truly, to have a being such as you caring for me.. It's strange, calling someone so alike to myself perfect, honestly.
But in my eyes.. You are.

Your flaws make you perfect. Emotional, physical.. I love the fact we can understand each other.. We know what's happening.. We understand each other because somehow it has, or will happen to us..
Remembering that day was one of the most terrifying things.
Remembering how I was hopeless to stop it.
I'll be there, this time, if it's to happen.
I won't let it happen.
I love you too much..

You don't expect much from me.. You've waited so long.. You care for me, not even just what you could get from me..
You're selfless..
I almost am afraid that I'll hurt you, cause you're so.. Delicate..
We're both so unstable.. It seems that if you mix two unstable thing you might get something worse..
But I think we might be good for each other..

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Drip.

Drip. Ooze. Throb. Throb, leak.

Line. Cross. Swell. Higher. No, maybe not. Nah, it's okay.
Slide. Slide. Gentle.
Stings.

It's okay now.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Current "Adventure".

This is Lacie.
Alex has been busy. Busy keeping Simone away. Simone is the one that seeks blood. The blood which satiated so many other's lusts before, her own, will not satisfy him.
We got a book the other day about women with DID. All of em' past 40. It's interesting, hearing of their stories.. But something useful we came across today in the book, was a little bit about one of the women dealing with a homicidal "part", or "other"/"alter".

..He's so cold. Want him. Need to reach him. Can't do this.. not much longer..
You have to continue.. And you know you couldn't handle control of the body right now.
No.. need him..
I'm sorry..I'm sorry.

If she could do it, we can.

Monday, February 13, 2012

February 13, 2012.

Today's the day. Sweet relief. You have him back. You will. You're safe. Things will work out.
But what if it doesn't? Nothing changes?
I'm not expecting a miracle, but things will get a little better, at least..
Should I wait for him or just text first?
Hmn..

Just do it.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

February 12, 2012.

Somewhere beyond happiness and sadness, I need to calculate, what creates my own madness.
And I'm addicted to your punishment, and you're the master, and I am waiting for disaster.

Splitting.
Splitting.
Breaking.
Wrote a poem the other day. Might post it at some point.
.. So, I managed to split again. No, I sure as hell wasn't trying to.
Seems not to be too bad though.
Been taking Melatonin to try and help with my sleep. Last night I had an episode of sorts, so it may've just been that, but I had a really weird reaction to it. It feels weird in general, I already took mine tonight.
It does make it easier to sleep, heh. And I can remember some of my dreams very clearly. We'll see if I should keep taking it tomorrow though. If I can't wake up, then no, I don't keep taking it. xD.
Tomorrow's the day.
Two countdowns and one is so close. So very close.
I look forwards to it..
The other counter is down to 16 days.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

February 11, 2012.

Where are you? What's happening? Why can't I reach you? hello?
...Hello?
Mhh, that's blood? No it's not, can't be.
Yeah it is. Tastes so good. But how? Why does it bead?
Who cares? Where are you? Help you. Help me. Find you, find me.
I'm somewhere. Nowhere. You're someone. Noone. Me.
Suckle the substance.
She lied. So many lies. Stupid teacher. You really must be isolated out in your little trailer.
Here, let me hold you. Oh yeah, I like you. No, I hate you. My knife in your back. Your eyes are wide and black. You're a shark in pain, writhing, bleeding. Slice your fins, squirming, alive. Begging. Pleading. Asking me why, Asking god why. Silly bitch.
Die. Suffer. Squirm beneath my thumb. You know that's where you are, bug? Parasite. You know that's where you are. That's why you squirm and claw and do as much damage to the tiny bit of me you can reach.
Small, scared child. All you are. You act so full of yourself yet you're still so scared. You don't even know what you're scared of. Blind yourself further.
As if you had any capability in the first place.
That won't save you, selfish fuck.
Nothing will.
I may not be the one to do it but someday you'll get yours you snotty little bitch. All of your kind will.
I'll laugh as it falls away.

Drown.

Friday, February 10, 2012

February 10, 2012.

Afraid to be alone with myself.. Or maybe just alone with.. Them?
Yet I'm more comfortable here in quiet isolation.. Calm heartbeat and little to no headache. Safe. I suppose other humans may scare me more...

Thursday, February 9, 2012

February 9, 2012.

.. Music does help.. Drowns them out..
No ma, my music isn't too loud..
No ma, my ear isn't getting better.
No ma, it won't make my ear worse.
No ma, I'm not trying to get away from you.
Maybe a little.
But only when you make them worse.
My head pounds with their voices.
Yours would only mix with them,
Encourage them.

Last night mum needled me. I lay for half an hour alone, blind.. With nothing but my music. I thought. I relaxed though. Everything felt so unreal though. I returned to the real word a bit..
Am I really so vain?..
Not your fault.
But it's so selfish..
He's not even terribly intelligent.
Could be. Intelligent beings put on masks.
Could be that he has no mask.
There's something.. More though. I saw some of it.
Meh.
20 days ..

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

February 8, 2012.

..Wonder how he's doing. There's no update.
Could always ask, idiot.
..Feh, shut up. I'm trying to go with it. Doing okay so far..

Social worker from CPS came today to talk to parents, and me some.. Hah.. Parents decided to go back on their word.. Had given the laptop back so long as I put it on the dresser at night..
She won't fucking go away.
Kill it. Smash its head into the wall. Grab the bedpost and beat it. Beat her.
..No. No. I can't. I won't. Shut up. She's my mum..
She deserves it anyway.
.. I can't disagree there.
Anyway.. That kind of bugs me.Really bugs me. But, I'll stay sane. It's the only way.
Mnh.. In twenty days, my parents will be going to someone to tell them about me. After that I will see said person, whom is a psychologist, and will go through three hours of testing.
Anxiety, aspergers, and Depression.
I have decided to tell the complete truth. This'll be interesting.
Social worker worded it as, "If you thought I asked a lot of questions in the 45 minutes we talked, oh boy.." Eheh..
...Strange part is, I'm kind of looking forwards to it.
She mentioned that questions may be asked that I won't be comfortable with answering and I should just be honest.
...She also mentioned that within the first ten minutes of talking to me the first time, she realized I am a very anxious person.
Hah..

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

February 7, 2012. Evening.

Slid this morning. Felt great for a while after we talked, heh..
Silent agreement.. Mm..

..Perhaps we'll make it.
Took the sanity score test again.. My score increased by 3. 167 to 170.. Within a month.
Hah..

..Right side of my ribs are cut up. Left side will probably scar. They're faded pretty good though.
Tomorrow social worker comes to our house. Talks to my parents.
..Bleh.. Dunno what's gonna happen.. They're gonna be upset with me and I'm gonna hide again prolly..

7th, two.

Razor wire through my fucking temples.. Not again.. Grinding bone..

February 7, 2012.

.. Nothing hurts. Worse I managed to do was open up the cut. Did rip up that.. Stab, though.
The rest was satisfied plucking my eyebrows. First time I used the tweezers to do something they're meant for in a while, heh. Hurt a bit.
I fucking hate this. Every time I'm alone I sink. Sink that damned far..
Thinking I'm just going to say fuck it.
... Gotten this far though.
Miss him so bad..

Monday, February 6, 2012

February 6, 2012.

Heh.. That's more blood than when I first made that cut.. Not just beading it's.. Dripping.. mmm..

...Not enough though..
Mum will be angry.. You know she'll be angry.. Might get worse..~
Don't give a damn..
...Maybe you're right though, maybe I'll go for somewhere less visible..
..It keeps tempting me though.

Press through. It's right beneath the flesh. Dark. Maroon. Teasing you. Such a thin layer. It's fucking teasing you.

But if it bleeds there they might notice. I might not stop. You know as well as I that's probably the deepest too.
Yeah, because you fucking stabbed, that wasn't a cut.
...But it started with the pencil.
You think that was a fucking accident? Why do you lie to yourself?
Because I have to lie to others that way so much.. Best way to pretend is to lie like that.. To get myself thinking it's the truth..
Your lies won't get rid of the scars forming.
I love scars. They're pretty.
They don't think so. They'll make you get rid of them.
I WANT THEM.
THEY'RE MINE.

Calm the fuck down. Go for your ribs again later. You don't even have P.E anytime soon.
No one will notice.
...Sounds reasonable..