January 31, 2012.

Most of my sweet memories, were buried in the sand.
The fire and the pain, will now be coming to an end.
How did you get to save me from this desolate wasteland?
In your eyes I see the dawn of brighter days again..

With my tears you washed away, the mud stuck on my hands.
All the things you're trying to do to make me a better, man..
Now I remember the joy and taste of candy cane.
The innocence of youth, and sound of major scales..

Most of what I used to be, had vanished in the waves..
The memories of the boy I've been were drowning and you saved them..
Now I remember the joy and meaning of fate,
The color of the truth and the sound of sunny days..

Most of my sweet memories, were buried in the sand..
The fire and the pain will now be coming to an end,
How did you get to save me from this desolate wasteland?
In your eyes, I see the dawn of brighter days again..

Now why would that be the first song that comes on in the morning on shuffle?.. Interesting enough..
Better than last night, if a slight deafness in my left ear.. That may be permanent, hah.. Don't really wanna go to a doc about it though.. Hard to explain that.
Humm.. So now I just have a bad ear. S'cool..
Got the laptop back today.. School tomorrow.. Then more tutoring.. Then school, then I get my hair dyed.. Woo..
No more p.e till' fourth quarter.. But I've got speech class rather than creative writing the rest of the year..mm.
Should be interesting enough..

January 30, 2012.

.. Deep in the ocean, dead and castaway.
Where innocence is burned.. in flames,
A million miles from home, I'm walking ahead..
I'm frozen to the bone, I am..

A soldier on my own, I don't know the way..
 I'm riding up the heights of shame..
I'm waiting for the call, the hand on the chest..
I'm waiting for the fight, and fate..

The sound of iron shocks is still in my head,
The thunder of the drums dictates,
The rhythm of the falls, the number of deaths..
The rising of the horns, ahead..

From the dawn of time to the end of days..
I will have to run, away..
I want to feel the pain, and the bitter taste.. of the blood on my lips,
again.

This deadly burst of snow is burning my hands,
I'm frozen to the bones, I am..
A million miles from home, I'm walking away..
I can't remind your eyes, your face..


..I'm sorry.. I did it again.. I'm so far gone.. broken so many promises..
...
Just lucky I didn't go straight for the throat this time..
.. Dunno where to go, from here.
Dunno what to think.

...The screaming won't stop..

1/29/12.

So my teacher for creative writing told us to write a realization. A sort of outer body experience we've had, where something just.. clicked. As a kid, or any time really.
I could not for the life of me write one. Eventually though, I went into a weird state of mind, and wrote something.
This would be that something. 
--Realization--

Throughout my life, I have paused and thought. 
Made these breakthroughs of my mind. 
Of me, of also, society, life itself.
As a child, others trying to manipulate, I didn't know
any better. You're supposed to seek normality, aren't you? 
Eventually, I realized I didn't care what they thought I should be. 
That I was me, and I was flawed.
I have to fix myself. For myself. I don't deserve life.
  I don't deserve my parents, or anyone's love.
Later, after so much betrayal, after I
realized, my parents were flawed as well, 
That they helped, THAT THEY even, tried to force me,
To be like them, to be normal.
Realizing, they don't really care about ME,
only who they think I am, want me to be. 
That it's all anybody I knew wanted me to be. 
Thought, convinced themselves I am.
That I didn't have REAL friends.
I knew what they wanted me to be, 
But I had already begun to lose myself.
Realized even I didn't know who I am.
So if I don't know, and they don't,
Who Does?
If my within is everything my mind can hold, 
And what's in me is lost to me, and as I begin to think
Not real, Then what was real?
Nothing. Nothing was real.
After drifting a little,
I realized everything was far too real.
That in fact, this disposition, the fact I was different, would never change. 
Neither was the dark which surrounded me,
The dark which allowed nightmares dance before my eyes.
The dark which so gently wrapped it's fingers
About my throat, stole my breath.
I lingered so long within it, dull light
My only guardian, For the light tore at my very flesh, 
Tried to claw the eyes from my skull.
People were as light, so I avoided them,
And when I eventually crept from my shell, 
Forced so I may learn, To be with them
I felt more alone than even when I lay at night,
Watching my daemons.
So even away from the dark
I began to feel the daemons lingered, stayed with my still,
Clinging within me, and warping my vision,
Their whispers feeling as roars
The way they overwhelm. 
Outer words Lost in their whispers
As well as blinded, all I can do is listen,
As they rant to me, the outer world
Doesn't have to be, isn't real, doesn't matter.
And so I lost reality once more, so alone.
Sometimes though, the daemons would leave me alone,
Or I could push them away, shut them up
And I could reach above, escape, feel so high,
But always they devour me once more,
Pull me back into their rough embrace.


And I'd lay then, wishing to rise,
My eyes fall on the bird, Circling in the sky,
I would envy the bird, who may rise above it all,
Truly free. The bird gets to stay high.
I yearn for it, I want to fly,
But even if I could,
I find myself afraid of heights. 
I find that whenever I rise
I feel more dread than happiness,
For every bird must come down
Eventually, may never stay above them,
And neither may I. I dread flying, for I know,
I will ALWAYS
Fall.

1/27/12.

So this morning I went to sleep at 12. I woke up every hour on the hour after 2. I felt strangely well rested though actually, so it was alright.. Was relaxed as I could be today; had to be. I have a four day weekend now. Should help me relax..
I've been feeling weird today however. I've been seeing things. Mostly one type; a tallish figure out the corner of my eyes. Normally towards the shadows, being a dark sort of creature itself.
Made me think of Horror. I've known he's been watching me for a while, I've felt him in the halls at night often enough. He can't come into my room though, heh..
So today I got a new ipod today. Rob was a wonderful help with that.
I told him I had a headache and was just feelin weird in general.
So we took the ipod I stole from Forrest and smashed it with a hammer.
I feel better now. Sleepy though. xD We broke open the battery and it smelled weird.
..Yawn;;

1/26/12

So, I didn't go to school today or yesterday. Too much stress I guess, this morning in particular I was almost out the door and then I threw up, lol.
So I go back to sleep this morning and have several dreams.
Most memorable one would be one including my friends on xat. Basically, xat was an MMO. Everyone was their characters, with all their powers and shit. Each different chat was a section of the world you had to load; so every time someone opened a black hole, that section or chat would disappear. xD.
So I was in the chat that I've been in lately with a few of the people that were there yesterday, including Vinceh~
That dream was nice. And fun and such.
Then I had a dream about my ex again; Forrest. He kept trying to get close to me and I couldn't make him go away, my parents were there but they didn't help at all.
Pretty sure he's gonna end up dead if he doesn't leave my dreams alone.
Perhaps just dead in dreams, perhaps irl. :3

1/23/12

You thought this could ever apply to you? You're not your skin, you're fucking worse, you self-centred fuck. Would you have that done to you? What you did to me every fucking day? Because I'd love to leave you with so many bruises.

1/22/12.

Last night mum saw the scratch on my nose when we were talking. She asked me what it was from.

When dad put his hand over my mouth and all, only thing that stopped him was the fact she had walked in, but she didn't see what we going on. 

So I suppose she's not that blind, as not to notice it.. But it's on my face and pretty obvious, so..

.. She seemed freaked out when I told her what had happened. Suppose he'd left that part out when they spoke. Woops. :]

It's funny though, we were doing a bit of yoga/stretching, my wrist was even turned directly towards her and she didn't seem to notice that.

I dunno why I didn't hide it better in the first place. I suppose I really did stop caring. Will only encourage her to start trying to find me a psychologist, like she said she'd do.. 

It's funny, I've caught people with scars. Even with fresh cuts. 

I have this.. routine I go through.

"Nice cuts!" I'll laugh softly, meeting their eyes. "Where'd you get them?" 

They'll say something or another. Sometimes they'll be honest, admit it. But it's easy enough to tell when people lie about it.

Probably because I've used most of the lies.

If I had one wish and couldn't wish for more wishes, I'd wish that all my friends were within walking distance. That way, I could notice more about them. I could see them, feel them.. It would be.. wonderful. 

Hn.. School tomorrow.. I've reconnected with an old friend of mine since 7th grade.. I was unsure for a long time if she was a real friend, we used to fight a lot, and she honestly was generally pretty selfish some of the time.. 

But she's changed a lot; we both have.. It's wonderful, she's very.. observant.. I can really speak to her.. And we click so well, always have, and it's stayed.. 

So we may have a sleepover soon.. The idea is.. wonderful. I do hope it works..

I wonder now, how I could be used, if one wanted to.. 

..Also, I can't sleep. 

1/21/12

Wonderful morning.
Ever been so caught it dreams, in sleep, that a basic need caught you whilst asleep? That you couldn't wake up? Well, now I have. Not quite a coma, but, hypersomnia perhaps. I could not wake up.
---
^Alright, so I wrote that last night and never finished.
Let me continue.
Ehm, well. I fell back asleep and woke up when my dad slammed the door open. It was time for school, I was doing what I usually do when I've decided I'm staying home sick. Even turning in the bed hurt my back, so. I thought it'd be.. reasonable to stay home. Especially since my backpack which I have to carry around all day has two full binders and a bunch of other stuff I NEED in it.. Which WOULD kill my back.
However, my parents decided otherwise. Mum decided I was just fine despite how much I'd been hurting before; She saw that I could hardly walk; I could go. So she told my dad not to go, making him late for work. So I end up talking to mum and she's being pretty reasonable, and then dad comes in and she leaves. He goes into the big picture shit, says that if I physically can, I have to go to school now, cause I missed too many days.. Yeah, I have missed too many days, I agree. I dunno what's going to come of that honestly.
...Summer school would suck, since I'm in all honors classes in the first place. x-x Maybe that will make up for it if I manage to keep my grades up? Neh..
Anyway, I end up hiding my laptop, because he starts to threaten that if I don't go to school right then, he's gonna ground me, take the phones, take the laptop.. Basically cut off my communication with the outside. Completely.
Which, I have to be honest? Might kill me. I couldn't live without my friends..
They're all that makes any of this worth it.
He starts to act even more serious about it. Keeps talking, won't leave me the hell alone.
So I start aggravating him. What the hell have I got to lose, I asked myself. Eventually I was just trying to drown him out, hands over my ears and babbling.
Ends up with him on top of me, pinning me down, fatass that he is.. Hand over my mouth and spitting on my face as he screamed.
Turns out he scratched my nose too, enough it bled. xD So there's a scab on the tip of my nose now, wonderful eh?

1/20/12

help me
           help meeeee.

1/19/12

Been a while. Hearing more things, seeing more things more often. I hate the end of the quarter of school, always far too stressful for no good damned reason. Throwing projects and shit on us.. Bleh. And then a quiz every other class. x-x
Also I almost lost my job today, that was wonderful. I fixed that well enough I think, but definitely going to need cooperation from the other side as well as more effort shown while I'm there.
Adding to the list of shit, I messed up my sacrum somehow. Pulled a muscle too, everything's all messed up. I did it sometime yesterday and this morning I woke up in pain, but it wasn't too bad. Went through class up until p.e well enough. Ended up hopping once in this one activity where you have to basically do hopscotch and fell on my face  in front of the class cause' my leg buckled. <3 Damn that was fun.
Mum still has not even found a psychologist for me, doubt she's looked into it.. May be time this weekend to corner her about that.
More scars on my arm. Twelve at least. All from within the past two months, max three months. Never used to cut my wrists till' now, heh. Would always go for less noticeable places. Perhaps I stopped caring.
Gotta be honest, ghosts are stirring. I had a dream recently about an ex of mine, whom left me with bruises, held a knife to my throat once, wouldn't let me speak.. You get the picture.
It really bugged me. My head hasn't left me alone since then.
It won't go away. he won't go away.
I need to get rid of him. Somehow.
Just need them to stop..